The Silent Smile - October 2017

Imagine being in a world where everything is upside down. A place where most things are not quite right, a bit like trying to do a jigsaw, but each piece seems to be from a different puzzle. Well, that’s what life often feels like for me. 

 

Today I wanted to talk about something quite personal to me. I call it the silent smile, and I know it’s something everyone has used at some point in their life. Someone says something to you and you just don’t know how to respond, So you just smile sweetly hoping they will go away, right? Wrong.

 

As a kid in secondary school on the autism spectrum, I wanted to do two things, to achieve to the best of my ability, and to fit in. I believe this is something all pupils in school aim for. This was something I found extremely challenging, especially the ‘fit in’ part. 

 

I moved up from a large, 3 form entry junior school into a huge jungle of a secondary school, over 250 in my year group alone! There were so many people from all different backgrounds, a hall filled with 250 peers who were totally different to me, or so I thought. 

 

Throughout my school years I was lonely, and people often thought that was the way I enjoyed life. But here is the thing, I didn’t like it. I was and I still am a very social person, people just didn’t give me a chance to show that. Being a teen and trying to fit in is tough, but try doing it with Asperger's it a totally different story. I was the kid who often became overwhelmed and have a panic attack just because the teacher raised their voice. 

 

I would go into lessons open minded and positive, make small talk with people hoping I would be invited to join a conversation. A couple of people would normally listen for a second or two, then give me a silent smile, showing me in the nicest possible way they didn’t want hear it. 

 

Whenever I am in a conversation with someone, there often comes a point where I just stand there and give them the silent smile. Most people take that as a signal to stop talking, and I wish they didn’t. Although socialising can be very draining for many people on the autism spectrum like myself, I love it! When I give a silent smile, it’s my way of saying that I am enjoying listening to this, but I am not sure how to respond. Maybe I cannot think of the right emotion to show, or the right words to say, or the right facial expression to use. Maybe I am just processing the information, along with all the other sensory factors going on all at the same time. 

 

Something I want people to try and do is to always include, and not to make assumptions about others. You might not know someone very well or they may seem a bit different to others, but under that top layer they are like everyone else, wanting to succeed in school and wanting to fit in with others. Allow them to fit in, don’t be the wrong piece of the puzzle.

 

If you are willing enough to be the right puzzle piece then share this blog, let’s finish this puzzle together!

 

Write a comment

Comments: 2
  • #1

    Karen Cross (Thursday, 26 October 2017 15:25)

    A great blog Jordan and thank you for sharing such a personal account. I am sure many will find comfort with this and hopefully feel less isolated themselves. Indeed for families and professionals this will undoubtedly broaden their understanding and hopefully help the stop and reflect.� Karen

  • #2

    Jane Gurnett (Sunday, 29 October 2017 00:43)

    So eloquently written ... many thanks Jordan ..